"We live in our perception of people's perception of us" - Jay Shetty
I might have gotten the words of this quote wrongly but the concept is still the same. 99% of the time... I live in this world of perception. Be it if I'm aware of this fact or not.
Recently, the Wolf have made me feel the feelings of an unbalanced mind. I promised him that I would be honest and transparent like I would with any other guys I'm interested in... but the lack of response gave me 2 thoughts:-
Now, I've tried no.1 and that didn't do anything but made me feel guilty and unbearably jerk-like. Unlike anyone else that I have interest in, this beautiful man remained in my mind even after I've completely ran away. Hence, I'm in this situation of wanting to be honest and transparent with him.
I tried no.2. At first... I feel like a kid touching the water and holding back - afraid of making him run. Then, I gave up and threw all my thoughts at him. Continuing on, I shared things I watched, thought and feel. I tried and tried to find any way of conversation but there's no budging and I felt more pushed aside than ever.
So, I meditated. I reflected. And I realized that all these while I have only been reacting to him - my perception of his perception of me.
I not only went between 2 extremes of avoiding and forcefully shoving who I thought I am to him... but I've only been feeding him with everything I'm not. Don't get me wrong, everything I have been to him is me. The difference is that I've been reacting with my head instead of actually acting by opening my heart. To simplify, I am not as I am... instead I had been I am the reaction of what his response is of me. I had been reacting of fear all these while and I don't even realized it.
He is a special man. He had always been the day I knew him. There's just this wonderful feeling of potential, growth and life in him that is so untapped and raw. The way my body and mind respond to him is beautiful in a way it feels like a dance only if I let it flow.
The question for me now is to rediscover myself again. The me without that reaction of fear but the action of love. The me that can be true to myself because this is my value and worth. And I hope he'll see me as just me - no longer me as in wanting him to see the good, ugly and bad. I'm one person as a whole.
As for what if he don't think we are suited for one another... I'm truthfully no longer bothered. I'll probably feel hurt but it's just the mind for trying too hard. Plus, I believe the reason he loved me was because he saw the untapped potential in me passed my issues but never really got around by expressing it.
So... I'll be okay as me. What is meant to be will be. He have made me realized I need to learn to flow. I'm blessed for the presence of the Wolf had always pushed me to rediscover the person I am for me.
I might have gotten the words of this quote wrongly but the concept is still the same. 99% of the time... I live in this world of perception. Be it if I'm aware of this fact or not.
Recently, the Wolf have made me feel the feelings of an unbalanced mind. I promised him that I would be honest and transparent like I would with any other guys I'm interested in... but the lack of response gave me 2 thoughts:-
- End this torture and walk away. This man just isn't actually interested.
- Face him and remain true to yourself. Be consistent so he'll see who you are.
Now, I've tried no.1 and that didn't do anything but made me feel guilty and unbearably jerk-like. Unlike anyone else that I have interest in, this beautiful man remained in my mind even after I've completely ran away. Hence, I'm in this situation of wanting to be honest and transparent with him.
I tried no.2. At first... I feel like a kid touching the water and holding back - afraid of making him run. Then, I gave up and threw all my thoughts at him. Continuing on, I shared things I watched, thought and feel. I tried and tried to find any way of conversation but there's no budging and I felt more pushed aside than ever.
So, I meditated. I reflected. And I realized that all these while I have only been reacting to him - my perception of his perception of me.
I not only went between 2 extremes of avoiding and forcefully shoving who I thought I am to him... but I've only been feeding him with everything I'm not. Don't get me wrong, everything I have been to him is me. The difference is that I've been reacting with my head instead of actually acting by opening my heart. To simplify, I am not as I am... instead I had been I am the reaction of what his response is of me. I had been reacting of fear all these while and I don't even realized it.
He is a special man. He had always been the day I knew him. There's just this wonderful feeling of potential, growth and life in him that is so untapped and raw. The way my body and mind respond to him is beautiful in a way it feels like a dance only if I let it flow.
The question for me now is to rediscover myself again. The me without that reaction of fear but the action of love. The me that can be true to myself because this is my value and worth. And I hope he'll see me as just me - no longer me as in wanting him to see the good, ugly and bad. I'm one person as a whole.
As for what if he don't think we are suited for one another... I'm truthfully no longer bothered. I'll probably feel hurt but it's just the mind for trying too hard. Plus, I believe the reason he loved me was because he saw the untapped potential in me passed my issues but never really got around by expressing it.
So... I'll be okay as me. What is meant to be will be. He have made me realized I need to learn to flow. I'm blessed for the presence of the Wolf had always pushed me to rediscover the person I am for me.
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