Walking into BDSM, the last thing on my mind was a relationship. However, with the Ancient One... it was his sincerity and his vulnerability that opened the door to my heart - making me believe in the possibility of finding the right man.
I was in a dynamic. He is married. It never occurred to any of us that anything could ever happen.
It started with my innocence of eating ice cream. Who would have ever thought, the perverted Ancient One was thinking of a human popsicle. He said he wanted 'ice cream' too and I told him to go for it. He came back beaming - he had his 'ice cream' and that's when we both realized it was a genuine misunderstanding.
The conversations just kept going about life, perspectives and sharing our personal issues with one another. I needed a listener. He needed a listener too. We both were leaning on one another as friends, as support and as one that would never judge the other - for we both know we're not perfect yet we wanted to love and be loved just as we are.
I eventually ended my previous dynamics. It was not because I wanted to be with Ancient One (it was never that); it was because I realized that I'll never be good enough with my previous dynamics when our needs and expectations are so different. I choose to be unowned and had a few Doms I'll play with but nothing serious happens as I was clearer with what I needed and want to be treated in my dynamic.
For me, the turning point was when he opened up and shared about him being a bisexual. He shared lightly about what he recently did. As usual, I embraced him and his needs - to me, it doesn't make him any less but I guess to him, that was when he realized I'd not judge him for the person he is.
I remembered a day we spent hours chatting. He opened himself up entirely. His childhood. His marriages. His struggles. His pain. His guilt. His hatred. His anger. His sorrow. And all I wanted at that very point was to embrace every inch of him for he held himself strongly despite everything he experienced. If it wasn't for the distance, I would have hugged him and cried along with him - as I knew deep down he was hurting and healing at that very point.
For someone to bare his soul, to be honest not just with me but with himself - it was very rough, tough and painful. It was then I appreciated him and I knew despite him being married and that we're extremely far away, I'll be here waiting for him until the day he chooses to mend his marriage or to walk away from me.
The Ancient One is my Owner and Master for he deserves that title. He owns every inch of me for he has given every inch of himself. He is my Daddy for I have ultimate faith he would guide me to be the best version of myself. And he is my Boyfriend and Lover for every day he doesn't only make me feel special but because I'm enough for him.
Falling in love with the Ancient One is a process of daily reflection. There's never a day of being too comfortable as his presence reminds me to be grateful for the love I'm reminded each day, as his advice & support reminds me to be kind & humble, and his faith in us reminds me never to give up even at the toughest of times for his words rings, "This too will pass"
We're both imperfect. We're both broken in our very own ways. We're both trying to find our place in the world. We're both doing our best to be our best. Together, we know it'll be tough, we'll be judged and we might be name-called. If we knew this would happen, we would not each other's listening ear. However, I can no longer see my life without him playing a big role in it.
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