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My Thoughts On BDSM Structure

What do you think of rules and structure? To those that knows me, I seriously hate them. I hate them so much that I ensure that no students or interns called me by the title "Miss". I'll allow them to call me by my name or nicknames like "Pretty" or "Comel" (Cute in Malaysian Language). I just didn't like the idea of someone thinking I'm better than them.



When I first came to the BDSM scene, I had people approaching me with their names. "Slave", "Sir", "Master". I'll always opt to call them by their names instead (or their nicknames). In was the same for Master. I called him Shem when he questioned, "Yes what?". And he accepted it at first, when I called him by his name. Only with time and with trust, it escalated to Sir - followed by Master.


It took me a while to get used to the titles. When I first started off, it was easier to call someone Daddy than any of the other titles. I feel inferior with these titles. I feel like I'm giving up something of myself when the words slip off my tongue. I feel worthless when I'm giving the authority to someone else - in directly telling that I respect you as the person 'above me'.



However, along the way, I learn something really new in through some Doms I've got to know. There never need to have a pressure to call anyone by a title unless you feel comfortable to. For any Dom or Sub to deserve a title (e.g: Master, Sir, Little One, Baby Girl), there needs to be a relationship form. A relationship of trust. And if someone demands for it, walk out. They're fake. A Dom will never step ahead and demand for something without first, earning your respect. I thought that made a lot of sense and I appreciated that.

Always remember, the "Sir" is with the capital "S". The "Master" is with the capital "M". I got told off for wrongly typing. Master had warned me before. I thought it was only for him. Apparently, it is for all - when I choose to call anyone by a title, I have to give my utmost respect and address them correctly. At first, I thought that was stupid. However, when I think about it... It does make sense.



A Dom and Sub relationship is of a certain hierarchy. However, we're all equals at the very same time. A Dom will never be a Dom without a Sub who's willing to submit to him/her. Master always said that the Sub have more power than the Dom. I haven't really understood that but I trust I will one day. He said that knowledge defines a Sub, knowledge protects the Sub and until then, it's best not to be in contact with any Dom as I'm not mentally strong or ready to face the BDSM world. I think that's fair - I first need to sort myself before I'm ready to understand the power that's within me.

I used to be very reactive. I always had the need to argue back or to state my thought of mind. However, through my ex-Master's training I learn to hold my tongue. I start realizing that my communication with other people in BDSM is more respectful as I'm very careful with my words and how I acknowledge another person. If I came across a Dom, I'll apologize politely and excuse myself with the reason that my ex-Master have ordered for me not to communicate with other Doms/Masters. And they graciously dismiss our conversation immediately - unlike a normal guy, they'll ask me if they could instead by my Master *roll eyes*.


Something I learn through all of these is that rules are placed for us to know our limits. Titles is a way for us to define ourselves and others - and to open a space of giving the authority by acknowledging the other for their kinks. I find that I begun to stop judging when I'm here - for everyone of us have our own interest, we stop expecting others to understand us as we realize we all have our very own quirks. I stop wanting to argue or compare. I start asking permission to interrupt, speak or question. We all each lay out our thoughts and listen. It reduces the dissatisfaction and disagreement around us as we understand where the other comes from - we maintain a structure and everyone are generally kind to one another.

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